Ashley Cole is stupid: the evidence mounts

Posted on October 5th, 2007 in Gossip, Idiots, La liga, Money, Premiership, WAGS by stopsatgreen

Cheryl from Girls Aloud says Ashley Cole left Arsenal because:

It got to the stage at Arsenal where he couldn’t even have a conversation in the dressing room because nobody spoke English.

She also says she made him turn down a move to Real Madrid:

Ashley was offered a hell of a lot of money to go… the deal was there on the table. I stopped him living his dream playing out there.

Which does beg the question: What language did he think they would speak in the dressing room in Spain?

Hargreaves In “Not That Good” Shocker

Posted on May 31st, 2007 in Football, Gossip by The Mac

Now Owen Hargreaves is set to join United, the tabloids can concentrate on the real business of the day, i.e. when Henry’s leaving Arsenal or whatever fictional bollocks they can construct.

I saw Hargreaves play for Bayern last month in a home game versus Bayer Leverkusen and while he was hard-working and industrious he really was nothing special. Granted, Bayern’s game is pretty one-dimensional and doesn’t leave much to flair players, but even through that you could see that Owen was…. well…. OK. Certainly not worth £17m or whatever figure has been bandied about. I just don’t really see how he will fit in the United midfield; he’s not like Scholes or Giggs, perhaps more of a Carrick-type but doesn’t have the passing range. He’s not a goal-getter, and not that tenacious in the tackle either (definitely not like Scholes!). United have been looking for Keane’s replacement since he left, and those they’ve tried out, namely Liam Miller and Darren Fletcher, haven’t really done it for them. Alan Smith was never going to replace Roy, let’s face it. Is he to be the next Phil Neville?!

While I was in Munich, I heard that the club were meeting to discuss the sale of Hargreaves, and using the money to buy Miroslav Klose. Werder finished one place above Bayern in the Bundesliga, but the lure of playing for (arguably) Germany’s biggest club will be tempting. The ground is fantastic (as are the beer and sausages) and home crowds are 69,000 every time. A highly recommended visit if you get the chance.

Incidentally, the Leverkusen goal was scored by Voronin who is joining Liverpool; it was all he did during the game, unless you count the times he strayed offside, or moaned at his colleagues. He’ll fit right in.

Another Day, Another Dollar…

Posted on May 18th, 2007 in Football, Gossip, Idiots, Managers by The Mac

…Another Henry/Wenger/everyone to leave Arsenal story. I won’t bother making links to this as you can type “lies” into Google.

The Daily Mail for one is reporting comments “made” by Patrick Vieira regarding Wenger’s unhappiness about the David Dein situation. Every summer it’s the same thing; Arsenal players do seem to be the focus of more speculation than any others in England, there are occasional mentions of Gerrard, Lampard and (on the increase) Ronaldo.

We all know speculation sells papers and generates hits on websites (some more than others!) and anyone who has watched footy for more than one year knows not to believe anything until they see it.

Why doesn’t Arsene come out and say “I’m close to the signing of Messi/Kaka/Torres/Kevin fucking Davies”? Because he has more class than that. Ferguson doesn’t do it either, neither does Benitez. The only one of the “big four” who talks up these mythical transfers is… you know who. The same (Special) one who feels the need to slag off Ronaldo by questioning his upbringing and education and having the TEMERITY to call him a diver in a cunning ploy to deflect away from his team of professional grass huggers. What’s the betting should United get a contentious penalty tomorrow that Jose kicks off?

While I have no affinity for United I hope they win tomorrow, just because it means Chelsea don’t. I also have no doubt both Henry and Wenger will be at Arsenal next season.

BREAKING: Apparently, Posh might have a bit of an attitude problem

Posted on April 26th, 2007 in Gossip, Idiots, funny by Heff

While this isn’t directly about football, the only reason we’re forced to endure the blip that is Victoria Beckham on our pop culture radar is thanks to David Beckham, so I’m giving myself a break here and just running with this.

Since most of you probably read, you know, books and actual news stuff, you might not have heard that Posh is trying to launch her Stateside career with a reality TV show. So far, shooting hasn’t been going too well. The reason? Turns out she’s a real pain in the ass:

A show insider told Britain’s Star magazine: “We think she’s full of herself and not very nice. She’s very picky, demanding and rude. And she was mean to the assistants, too.

“She waltzes around with her icy attitude. People will walk up to her and say, ‘Welcome to America’, or, ‘Good luck with the move’, and she doesn’t even stop to talk to them.

“The show is designed to make her a star in the States, but she’s dreaming if she thinks that’s going to happen. She’s coming off as a grade-A bitch!”

The fact that Vicky is less than appreciative of this opportunity doesn’t surprise me. (Or any lucky break she’s ever received—not bad for a no-talent thicko who looks like something that eats its mate after sex.) However, the fact that it may actually cost her that big shot at US fame, well, that makes my heart feel like a joyous little cardiac piñata, about to burst open with candy and whiskey and a choir of karma-loving angels.

The producers don’t share my good cheer, though.

The source added: “No one knows what to do with her to make the show interesting - she’s so boring! Every suggestion the producers make, she rejects.”

Yeah, what a shock. What were they exepecting her to do—weigh in on current affairs? Have an attainable body type? Read without moving her lips? Still, being the helpful guy I am, I pitched the following as possible activities:

1) Victoria has to spend an entire day with Queens and Mercutio (or whatever the hell pansied-up names they saddled those kids with) without the nanny. Camera starts rolling when she introduces herself.

2) Rebecca Loos is given a ten-minute head start in Hollywood Hills, following which Posh is set loose to track her former love rival, armed with only her wits, a camouflage-patterned Versace jumpsuit, and a crossbow.

3) Eat.

Middle aged billionaire leaves wife for younger, hotter woman

Posted on March 14th, 2007 in Football, Gossip, Money, Politics, funny by Heff

Roman Abramovich, billionaire owner of Chelsea FC and former BFF of Jose Mourinho, is divorcing his wire Irina.  If you’re into the whole family-values thing, that’s the bad news, especially as it is becoming increasingly obvious that that split was preciptated by Roman enjoying, um, carnal knowledge of ex-model Dharia Zukova.

If you’re into cosmic justice, though, the good news is that the ex-Mrs Abramovich is looking to walk away with about £1 billion.  Not bad, considering that the most one of us mere mortals usually walk away with post break-up is an awkward hug, before hiding in the loo to cry and curse God.

A cursory amount of digging reveals that Ms Zukova’s dad is a bit of a bad-ass, and was alleged to have been a key player in a Russian mafia group which ran guns to Croatian warlords in the Bosnian conflict.  He beat the charges, though, so maybe he’s just a very nice man who got rich fair and square in post-communist Russia—just like Roman. *cough cough*

Apparently, Roman met his new ladyfriend at a Barcelona match, and they have been spotted at various locations all over the world, including Chelsea home matches.

This proves why the rich are different than us: They can do whatever the hell they want.  Your affairs are carried out through furtive text messages and guilt-ridden, drunken gropes in the back of  crap restaruants.  Meanwhile, Abramovich brings his mistress to work with him.  Awesome.

‘So, Roman, is this your, um, friend?’

‘Noooo… it’s the chick I’m banging.  I’m pretty sure I told you about her—double-jointed, likes it a bit freaky?’

‘Uh…’

‘Yeah, can’t wait to trade in the wife and make this the full-time gig.  By the way, how’s the time machine coming, so we can sign Best and Cruyff for next year’s title race?  Need some more money?’

A is A, after all

Posted on March 13th, 2007 in Football, Gossip by Heff

In what passes for ‘news’, Man City midfielder (and, to be fair, skilled literary critic) Joey Barton is up on assault charges after allegedly whomping a Liverpool cabbie.  He’s out on bail until May.

There was a brief movement a short time ago that encouraged us to acknowledge Barton’s growing maturity, and that he could indeed grow into the player his potential threatens him to be.  But let’s review: He gets into bar fights with teenagers.  He flashes his ass.  (Seriously—stop that.)  He once attempted to use a teammates ocular cavity as an ashtray at a Christmas party, for God’s sake.

So, here’s some news: Joey Barton is a jerk.  The End.  In related stories, the sky is blue, Scarlett Johansson is crazy hot, and Arsene Wenger is still blinder than Oedipus.  Can we move on now?