Comedic potential
How funny would it be if thousands of Liverpool fans marched to Anfield tonight to support flat-broke manager Rafa Benitez and then they got beaten by Porto?
I wonder how long they’d be singing his name then.
Attempted rape, mutilation and witchcraft
Not exactly your run of the mill Championship footballer.
Watford’s Alhassan Bangura on his struggles to stay in England and avoid deportation to Sierra Leone. Can you imagine how far Ashley Cole would have swerved off the road if this sort of thing was happening to him?
Thank god the internationals are over
A few thoughts from watching MotD tonight:
I’d forgotten John Carew played in England now. What’s his problem? A goal per game at Rosenborg, 1 in 4 at Valencia, 1 in 3 at Roma, 1 in 2 at Besiktas, 1 in 3 at Lyon and he can’t get 90 minutes at Villa?
I’d forgotten about Jonathan Woodgate, too. 27 years old and his best years are behind him. The only way he can get a game now is to play for Boro. From Champions League to relegation battle; not the best career arc at his age.
Performances to forget: The linesman who flagged Kenny Miller offside when he scored against Chelsea; Sunderland defender Paul McShane, who looked today what his name suggests: a cross between Paul Shane and Ian McShane. Ha ha.
Was the ‘expert summary’ after the Arsenal - Wigan game the shortest (and most pointless) in MotD history?
Ray Stubbs: Arsenal move three points clear. A good result, Alan?
Alan Shearer: Yes, a very good result.
I paraphrase, but you get the idea.
An open letter to the interviewer who suggested Steve Coppell would be a good choice for England manager, or Ray Stubbs when speaking about Harry Redknapp, or anyone who thinks Paul Jewell or Alan Shearer would be a good idea:
Dear idiot,
Are you smoking crack?
Yours,
Peter (and the rest of the country)
Speaking of people smoking crack, what’s in Rafa Benitez‘ pipe? He’s complaining about tight purse strings at Liverpool, despite having spent £123 million on transfer fees in his four years in charge. That’s second only to Chelsea’s £168m over the same period, and doubtless one of the top ten highest worldwide. To put that in perspective, Manchester United have spent £73m in the last four years, and Arsenal, £40m.
A nation sighs, and wonders if there’s anything else on worth watching…
As conversation topic starters go, ‘Who do you reckon should get the England job then?’ scores impressively highly on the soon- to- be- in- a- coma- due- to- mind numbing- boredom factor, competing doggedly for Champions League placings with ‘Who’s on Jonathon Ross tonight?’, ‘Guess what Joan at work said about me today’, ‘Did you see that thing last night with whatisname?’ and ‘Has the £250,000 gone yet?’.
Every time I’ve sat with football fans since Wednesday night, I’ve been on edge, monitoring conversations, interrupting rudely anybody who takes a loaded sigh and troops off down the path marked: ‘see that match the other night? Fucking hell, of course I never wanted him in the first place…’.
Put enough like minded individuals around the same table though and the vacant England job isn’t so much an elephant in the room as a particularly dull elephant sized shadow foreign secretary eager to tell you all about the dream he had last night, it is the ultimate in hum-dum, it is Ewan McGregor motorcycling around the world and chatting to Parkinson about it, it is a dull enough conversation to have even the most vigilant non smokers hurling themselves out of the pub and into the sweet scented pollution of the smoking areas, and of course “everybody has an opinion”.
Except me. I do not have an opinion about who should get the England job simply because you can’t make me and life’s too short. So people tell me they think Martin O’ Neil would be perfect and instead of countering that Martin O’ Neil’s brand of sub Wimbledon, five men in midfield, Matt Elliot as emergency striker football is probably the absolute last thing that England need and where the hell are Villa in the league and yes he won championships with Celtic but, for Christ’s sake, the hysterical maid out of Tom & Jerry could have won championships with Celtic, especially with Rangers in one of their silly little moods they appear to get themselves in every couple of years, I nod my head, mumble words that even I don’t quite catch, sip my drink tentatively and eye up the salivation of the South Park quiz machine.
By the time the resident wit has cracked the obligatory ‘Maybe we should give Sven another shot!’ rib-tickler, it is fourteen hours since I last verbally communicated with the group, my mummers have evolved into an odd brand of strained tics and elongated vowels, like I’m Gollum and I’m paired with a particularly slow witted Pictionary partner, and I bitterly wonder why we stopped talking about the new series of ‘The Wire’ and what I would do to every member of the Dragon’s Den panel, given an empty room, a blow torch and a judge’s immunity and reflect that George Costanza was right and conversations must “resolve of their own momentum” and not simply be changed on the whim of a cretin who read something vaguely interesting about the F.A’s interviewing policy that apparently merits parroting.
For a brief shining moment I thought I might have something remotely interesting to say about the situation, along the lines of ‘how ironic that Gus Hiddink-who would be a perfect candidate for the job- is the one person who benefited most from McClaren’s ineptitude’, but, as any fan of tedious stand up comedy routines would point out, that’s not actually all that ironic and, anyway, everybody else seems to have made the same connection and, arf, arf, did you see that dozy umbrella he was hiding under the other night and of course I would never have gave him the job in the first place and at this point we’re right back where we bloody started and I’m not so much losing the will to live, more giving up on it completely and resolving to order a new one off Amazon as soon as I get a minute.
The underlying problem is, of course, that I don’t care. To me and, I suspect, most football fans the England manager is little more than an irritant, Les Dawson’s interfering mother-in-law, if the national coach were a writing device, he would be a clunky piece of exposition crowbarred in to an already lazily plotted costume drama.
The England manager’s only reason for existing appears to be to sit smugly next to your chairmen, munching biscuits and plotting to bring on your promising creative midfielder the Wednesday before the derby match at the weekend in the spiteful hope he does his leg in, at which point he can be all indignant and stress to the plebs the importance of international friendlies. They can be condescending with it like Sven, or brash with it like Venables or slightly unhinged and insane with it like Keegan but their primary function remains the same. England managers live to fuck with you and your team.
People are talking about Fabio Capello, and he seems to want it, which is a fine idea, but not as fine an idea as just scrapping the national team altogether, getting rid of its phone number, avoiding eye contact at work and clumsily attempting to chat up its best mate when we’re pissed in Yates’s wine lodge.
This won’t happen, of course, so whatever, balls to it, give it to Capello, if you must. Or bring back Kevin Keegan. Or give Cerys Matthews a shot at it, or Paulie Walnuts, or the bloke that plays Harold Bishop in Neighbors.
If you absolutely have to, get a copy of the sex offenders register, a blindfold and a biro and pick a name at random, do whatever the hell you want to do, just don’t expect me to participate in the selection, because I am incapable of expressing how little I care about the whole sodding issue.
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Rafa channels Vicomte de Valmont
In a scene that is highly reminiscent of the one in Dangerous Liaisons when John Malcovich reminds Michelle Pfeiffer that what has happened is ‘Beyond my control’, Liverpool manager Rafa Benitez faced the press yesterday. Check out the question and answer session with the journalist.
How much will you have to spend in January?
“As always I am focused on training and coaching my team.”
Are there assurances you’ll have what you want?
“As always I am focused on training and coaching my team.”
So what is the long-term plan?
“My plan is training and coaching the team.”
Is there anything upsetting you?
“As always I am focused on training and coaching my team.”
Do you have anything to say?
“As always I am focused on training and coaching my team.”
Even off the record?
“No.”
It’s clear something is up.
“You have my answer.”
You’re very different from normal.
“You have my answer.”
You said after the Bayern story you were happy to stay here a long time. Is that still the case?
“As always I am focused on training and coaching my team.”
Weird. Apparently Benitez feels he’s not getting the full backing of the new owners and wants more money to spend in January. They seem reluctant to provide that money.
There’s definitely something going on here behind the scenes and you wonder, if it was a case that Benitez was to leave or be sacked, just what kind of expertise the new owners would bring to the table when making a new appointment.
Bruce Arena for Liverpool!
Some random thoughts
Bored out of my wits by internationals, hence it’s so quiet around here.
Steve Bruce now in charge of Wigan. I suppose he was unsettled by the proposed takeover and the likelihood that the new owner would want to bring in his own man but it’s hardly a step up is it? Very much a case of out of the frying pan and into the even bigger frying pan. It’s a huge test for him. If he can keep Wigan up he’ll have done a very good job, in my opinion. I wonder how many young Arsenal players will be going on loan to the JJB.
Beckham - will he get 100 caps? Who cares? Incredible that this is what people are talking about when England still have to get a result against a decent Croatian side. In one sense Israel’s win against Russia was the worst thing that could have happened to England. It means McClaren could stay and it’s quite clear to everyone he’s a very average manager who has no chance of winning anything with England.
At least the tedious ‘too many foreigners’ debate has been put to bed for a while. If England qualify for Euro2008 the press can go through their usual routine of talking up the chances of the team only to castigate them on their early return. Arsene Wenger’s comments about England not winning anything between 1966 and 1996, when there were very few foreign players, should be the final word on the matter. Sadly, I don’t think it will be.
Scotland - unlucky against Italy. Never a free kick for Italy’s second and McFadden’s half chance could have won it for them. It’s a great turnaround from the dark days of Bertie Vogts though. Alex McLeish has done a fantastic job.
Paul Jewell for Ireland? Why not? He’s shown he’s capable of getting a collection of semi-decent players together and doing good things with them. Let’s be honest, Ireland don’t have any world class players and they need somebody who can come in and make a team out of them. He’s the right age, has experience and given Ireland’s current standing in the world game is one of the most realistic candidates. As for Terry Venables, he’s the last person Ireland need. Somehow he’ll manage to walk away with a billion million euros after failing to qualify. Steer clear like you would a dodgy used car salesman.
And that’s it. Hurry up internationals, let’s get back to the real stuff.
Best celebration ever
Watch the keeper
More on those Rangers fans in Barcelona
This is an editorial from El Mundo Deportivo.
“Dear Rangers supporters, never come back to Barcelona again. And not because your players themselves aren’t a legitimate team. No, it’s not because of that - the Nou Camp frequently hosts teams who are lazy, boring, who only defend, who run and kick their opponents, and who shouldn’t be in elite competition. On top of this, Rangers merely defend, run at the opposition and play dirty. Their defenders are butchers, their midfielders, heavy-footed; and their strikers just stand there like the furniture.
“But even apart from the footballing aspect, the best thing would be for Rangers never to return to Barcelona, because every time they do, they make a mess of the place. 35 years ago, you (the Rangers supporters) destroyed the seats at the Nou Camp. This time we have enjoyed no less than 48 hours of brawls, provocation, rackets, fights and common drunk women throughout the whole city, which you have fouled however you pleased.
“Stay at home and vomit in your own living-room, urinate in your sitting-room corners, fight with your neighbours, the Celtic supporters (who deserve a prize just for putting up with you) and foul the streets of Glasgow instead. Don’t come back here again, because it is not a laughing matter. And, by extension, don’t play in the Champions League either. You are not at that level neither in a sporting nor human sense”
Erm, there you go then.
There Is Some Corner Of A Foreign Field That Is Forever Engerland
This debate about foreign players seems to brought out the xenophobia in many. The FIFA proposal seems straightforward enough, where each club must name eight players who have been “locally trained” and limit the number of “foreigners” to five; apparently, this would allow homegrown talent to flourish, apparently.
While this appears to be a good idea, a hark back to the pre-Premier League days of almost totally English teams in the English top-flight, I think it would make things worse for the majority. Rather than create a level playing field, I believe the clubs with the money would pull further away. The term “locally trained” is contentious; what does local mean? Are we talking League Of Gentlemen? How does London fit in this? A local to London qualifies to play for a plethora of different clubs, from (potentially) Leyton Orient to Chelsea.
The voices supporting this move include Ferguson, Steve Coppell and now Stevie G, the saviour of Engerlish football. Manchester United have that spine of British players we’d all love to have in our team – Ferdinand, Carrick, Hargreaves, Rooney are all full internationals. And all purchased from other clubs. Wes Brown, Darren Fletcher, Chris Eagles, Gary Neville – all products of the youth system with only Wes & Gary being the only likely starters. This summer they bought Nani and Anderson. Good British boys there. Stevie’s own beloved Liverpool have a fair assortment of foreigners including the manager and this summer bought Torres, Voronin, Babel and Benayoun to name but four. All foreigners. About half of the Reading team that started against Arsenal on Monday night was foreign, plus there were three Irish players in Hunt, Doyle and Long. Oh, and Murty’s Scottish. So that leaves Shorey, Kitson and Harper in the starting XI and Oster on the bench. That’s not exactly setting an example, Steve.
Stevie G says:
“We are proud to say that we have one of the best leagues in the world but the most important thing is that have one of best national teams as well.”
Sorry Stevie, you haven’t had one of the best national teams for years. And years. I’m Scottish, I should know.
Trevor Brooking says:
“If you look at Italy when they won the last World Cup (2006), I think they had over 70% of their league made up of domestic players. Spain, France, Holland, they’re all up there too. Germany aren’t much better than us but we’re the lowest. The more that goes down, and the pool of choice reduces, we must come under pressure. In 10 years’ time you don’t want us just being pleased to qualify for tournaments.”
Firstly, Italy’s youth set-up is far superior to that of this country. Facilities are better, the teaching is better and kids are encouraged to play as opposed to “Gaaarrrn, geeetttt riiiidddd offff iiiitttt!!!”. Italy has consistently produced good young players for years. Look at Massimo Maccarone - an great prospect until he comes over here and goes to Boro. All of a sudden, he’s shit. He can’t always have been shit, he wouldn’t have got in the Italian U21 team (I hope all Italians become shit overnight though and stay that way until at least Sunday morning). Engerland’s pool of choice is already pretty small, and if kids are more bothered about playing FIFA 08 or Pro Evo then they will not be motivated to go out and kick a real ball. Incidentally, Engerland are pleased to qualify for tournaments - look at the game where Beckham scored That Free Kick against Greece to qualify for the World Cup was treated as a victory - they fucking drew two-all for Christ’s sake! You were losing at that point!
Steve Coppell has blamed assorted factors for this situation, including conflicting interests. What appears to be the problem is the national team. The Premier League is being asked to intervene and enforce rules and laws for the best interests of the national team. The apathy surrounding the national team is at an all-time low; when BFF gets booed by his own supporters when he comes on against Estonia you can tell there’s a big problem. The main reason is because of his club team, which is what most people are bothered about these days. Why watch another mediocre performance against Estonia when you can watch Man United tear Roma a new arsehole, see Liverpool put eight past Besiktas and see Arsenal sublimely pass their way through another team?
Arsene Wenger says:
“I have only been here since 1996 but between 1966 and 1996 you [England] had 30 years without foreign players and you didn’t win any more competitions in that time,”
And why is that? Because the problem lies further down than clubs buying Robin van Persie as opposed to Emile Heskey. That’s for the FA to sort out, rather than spunking millions on that white elephant in North London they should look at the facilities for the future of football not a potential revenue stream for the next couple of years. Clubs want success, supporters (and shareholders) demand it, and success equals money.
That’s what it’s all about - lots of money but none of it going where it’s needed.