Left back - a football blog

Sammy Lee may be full of self-confidence and rightly proud of his appointment as manager of Bolton but experts warn that the former Liverpool player is ’simply too small’ to be a success.

In the illustration below you can see Lee side by side with Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger. That picture is exactly to scale.

Previously bolstered by the enormous girth of Sam Allardyce Lee now finds himself alone and facing an uphill battle to make a success of things. In an exclusive interview with Professor Alan Bracegirdle, an expert in dwarves, midgets and pixies at London University he revealed the difficulties he’ll face.

“Certainly he’s going to struggle, quite literally, to see eye to eye with his players. He’s going to need to carry an orange crate around with him at all times. Coaching is going to be tough too. How is he going to demonstrate to woolly headed Spaniard Ivan Campo how to head the ball out of defence when a shot that skims across the grass goes over his own head by about three feet?

Frankly, I think the best place for Sammy Lee is holding a fishing rod and sitting on a brightly painted toadstool in a pond in somebody’s garden.”

Lee will hoping to follow in the footsteps of other tiny managers such as Gordon Strachan or Peter Shreeves (who was barely four feet tall) and desperately trying to avoid the terrible fate of Tiny John McEwen who, just four days after being appointed manager of Manchester United in 1934, was plucked from the ground by a falcon and never seen again.

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No, really. What an impact he’s had at Sunderland. He arrived with them bottom of the league having lost five of their first six games under the temporary charge of Niall Quinn.

Yesterday they achieved automatic promotion. Amazing. Some modern managers believe in treating their players like adults, like them to learn from their own mistakes, that sort of thing. Keane isn’t one of those.

Witness the incident when the Sunderland players were aboard the team bus waiting for three players who had been late before. As they came into sight and were about to board the bus Keane told the driver to leave and went without them. He didn’t bear them any grudges - they were back in the squad a couple of games later but he taught them a lesson.

There’s also the feeling that the Sunderland players are motivated by fear. Complete and utter terror of the manager. Remember those eyes when he was playing? Imagine having to face them if you came in at half time and hadn’t given 100%. You’d shit yourself.

He’s built the kind of reputation in one season that will make it easier for Sunderland to attract some good quality players in the summer and I can’t see them struggling the way Mick McCarthy’s penniless Sunderland teams did.

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Some people might hark on about Peter Ridsdale and the house of cards he built at Elland Road but I think it would be unfair to deny Wise the credit he deserves.

He’s taken a team that made the playoffs last season to relegation. Quite an achievement. Along the way he seems to have made enemies of some players, there have been bizarre incidents involving players allegedly providing opponents with team info, the club captain asking to leave and having his contract cancelled, senior players being frozen out, Wise getting as many red cards as manager as he did as a player and the whole thing has been a complete disaster.

Not much fun for Leeds fans and when you consider only 6 seasons ago they were in the semi-finals of the Champions League their fall from grace must be harder and further than any club in history.

So well done, Wisey, and if I was a taxi driver in Leeds at the moment I’d be careful who I picked up.

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It begs the question though, with Bolton in the top 6 who does he want to manage that’s any better?

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A few minutes into the biggest game of West Ham’s season, and this happens:

1506: West Ham defender Lucas Neill is struggling with an injury. He’s carrying on for now but it looks unlikely he will continue.

On top of this, that’s pretty amazing.

If you don’t know whether to laugh or cry, the answer is: laugh.

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Further to KeepyUppy’s team of the season I thought I’d weigh in with mine. So here we go:

Keeper: Paddy Kenny - It was a close run thing with Paul Robinson’s fresh air kicks and general fatness but Kenny’s fatness, baldness and the fact that one of his friends bit his eyebrow off sealed the day for the portly Irish international.

Right back: John O’Shea - He gives hope to young, talentless footballers the world over. If John O’Shea can play for a team like Man United then so can you! He’s an inspiration.

Centre-half: Titus Bramble - Obviously inspired by John O’Shea poor old Titus is to defending what Princess Diana’s chauffer is to driving safely.

Centre-half: Matthew Upson - Hilariously West Ham paid something like £6m for the most injury prone player in football history. Upson, obviously brain of Britain, decided to leave soon to be promoted Birmingham for soon to be relegated West Ham in the transfer window. I’m sure his teammates will give him a nice wave as they pass each other.

Left back: Ashley Cole -  Even Chelsea fans hate him.

Right midfield: Darren Fletcher - He’s sort of like Ray Parlour but less ginger and rather too Scottish. Looks like an extra from Trainspotting, one of the passed out skagheads on a dirty mattress and funnily enough plays like one too.

Centre midfield: Didier Zokora - He claimed to have turned down a move to Arsenal and prefers life at Spurs. Best known for winning a penalty against Portsmouth with the kind of dive that Divey Dave, the divingest diver in all of diveland, would have been proud of. Runs around a lot. Does very little.

Centre midfield: David Dunn - Has the biggest head in world football and it has recently been discovered that the weight of his skull is responsible for all the injuries he’s suffered. Like Zokora runs around a lot and does very little although he is quite good at kicking people.

Left midfield: Stewart Downing - Huh? Gah? What? Why? Seems to only have a professional career because he’s left footed and possibly because he liked to touch Steve McLaren’s special area. Has scored two goals this season. Am assuming they were by accident.

Striker: Julio Baptista - He arrived as a good kind of ‘The Beast’ and will depart as the worst kind of ‘The Beast’. Imagine your mother in law with 35 inch neck playing football. Had a night of magic at Anfield when he scored 4 and then scored 2 against Spurs but that is the football equivalent of winning the lottery twice in one month. His season was summed up when he tried to bamboozle a defender with a stepover and as he was stepping over booted the ball out for a throw. Or something. Will go back to Spain and score 50 goals next season.

Striker: Bernado Corradi - Joined in the summer, has played 29 games and scored 3 goals. He’s battling hard with former Blackburn man Corrado Grabbi for the title of greatest Italian to ever play in the Premiership. Is so bad that Richard Dunne felt it was ok to criticise him for poor performances.

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While this isn’t directly about football, the only reason we’re forced to endure the blip that is Victoria Beckham on our pop culture radar is thanks to David Beckham, so I’m giving myself a break here and just running with this.

Since most of you probably read, you know, books and actual news stuff, you might not have heard that Posh is trying to launch her Stateside career with a reality TV show. So far, shooting hasn’t been going too well. The reason? Turns out she’s a real pain in the ass:

A show insider told Britain’s Star magazine: “We think she’s full of herself and not very nice. She’s very picky, demanding and rude. And she was mean to the assistants, too.

“She waltzes around with her icy attitude. People will walk up to her and say, ‘Welcome to America’, or, ‘Good luck with the move’, and she doesn’t even stop to talk to them.

“The show is designed to make her a star in the States, but she’s dreaming if she thinks that’s going to happen. She’s coming off as a grade-A bitch!”

The fact that Vicky is less than appreciative of this opportunity doesn’t surprise me. (Or any lucky break she’s ever received—not bad for a no-talent thicko who looks like something that eats its mate after sex.) However, the fact that it may actually cost her that big shot at US fame, well, that makes my heart feel like a joyous little cardiac piñata, about to burst open with candy and whiskey and a choir of karma-loving angels.

The producers don’t share my good cheer, though.

The source added: “No one knows what to do with her to make the show interesting - she’s so boring! Every suggestion the producers make, she rejects.”

Yeah, what a shock. What were they exepecting her to do—weigh in on current affairs? Have an attainable body type? Read without moving her lips? Still, being the helpful guy I am, I pitched the following as possible activities:

1) Victoria has to spend an entire day with Queens and Mercutio (or whatever the hell pansied-up names they saddled those kids with) without the nanny. Camera starts rolling when she introduces herself.

2) Rebecca Loos is given a ten-minute head start in Hollywood Hills, following which Posh is set loose to track her former love rival, armed with only her wits, a camouflage-patterned Versace jumpsuit, and a crossbow.

3) Eat.

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When I was little, being voted into the PFA Team of the Year had a little more to do with “merit” and a little less to do with “playing for Man U”. Surely an oustanding performer keeping his team in the Premiership is to be praised as much as a player having an average season in a team storming to the title thanks to the brilliance of Ronaldo and Rooney? And surely anyone ought to be praised ahead of Gary Neville?

Here’s the PFA version, and here comes my revised version. If you don’t like it, post your own.

Goalkeeper: David James.
In an astonishing season for Portsmouth, James has arguably been their best player. He also just pips Abel Xavier to the Beard of the Year award.

Right-back: Steve Finnan
This is traditionally the hardest position to fill in the Team of the Year. This is for two reasons: a) there aren’t many high profile right-backs, and b) everyone hates Gary Neville. However, Steve Finnan has emerged from a few fairly average seasons to fend off the challenge of Arbeloa and shine.

Left-back: Nicky Shorey
Considering their achievements this year, it’d be madness not to pick a Reading player, and Shorey has arugably been their best. Some question why Gareth Barry hasn’t had more chances with England, but the only thing he seems to have over Shorey is a fine penalty-kick technique.

Centre-back: Nemanja Vidic
No complaints from me with the PFAs first choice here.

Centre-back: Ricardo Carvalho
Lord Percy is playing in the meanest defence in the league, and has had to manage without sidekick John Terry for considerable spells this season. As last night’s game against Liverpool showed, he’s not bad bringing the ball into midfield either.

Right-midfield: Cristiano Ronaldo
No qualms.

Left-midfield: Ryan Giggs
Again, deserving of his place. It’s not been a good year for wingers though. I blame Jose Mourinho for designing a formation narrower than Posh Spice’s waist.

Centre-midfield: Paul Scholes
Hm. Three in a row that are the straight out of the PFA team. Whatever happened to originality?

Centre-midfield: Michael Essien
Even this isn’t particularly original, as it strikes me as such a blindingly obvious choice. Essien has been unbelievable for Chelsea, and could probably have ousted Steve Finnan in the right-back slot, such has been his amazing versatility. Essien is much more than that though, and a key reason that Chelsea are still fighting on four fronts.

Striker: Didier Drogba
The PFA got it right to put him in the Team of the Year, but I might’ve gone a step further. For me, he’s the Player of the Year. Why? Because quite simply, he’s done it in the games that matters. How many outstanding performances has Ronaldo put in against the Chelseas, the Liverpools, and Arsenals?

Striker: Benni McCarthy
If it hadn’t been for an untimely injury, Robin van Persie would’ve had this in the bag. For me, he/Ronaldo/Drogba were easily the stars of the first-half of the season. As it is, I’ve gone for a player who already has 21 goals this season, 15 in the Premiership, and was signed for just £2.5m. The most impressive thing about McCarthy’s goals is that they’ve tended to come in ones - he hasn’t bagged hatricks against the lower teams, but has scored consistently against anyone and everyone, despite only playing in a mid-table side. A true bargain.

So what do you reckon?

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“Daddy, why does everyone hate you?”

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Boris Yeltsin’s death has been big news this week, and its subsequent coverage reminds us all that this was a man instrumental in dragging a nation out from under the yoke of a despotic, genocidal regime driven by a soulless ideology that condemned its people to lives of Medieval-era misery.  So, good work there, sir.

Unfortunately, that means he is at least partly responsible for this:

So we’ll just have to call it even, then.

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