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So, it’s the final day of the season. There’s much to be decided although I think I’ve got it sussed.

United will win the title despite Chelsea beating Bolton because they’ll spank Wigan to kingdom come. At the bottom I think Birmingham will lose to Blackburn and Fulham will lose to Portsmouth because the Portsmouth players, having been off the ball since reaching the cup final, will be giving it 100% today to ensure their Wembley places. Reading will beat Derby.

Everton will clinch the final UEFA Cup place with a win over Newcastle. And that will be that. If the other results come in then I’m going to be up a couple of quid. I might buy you a pint if I win. Click for big…

You have to admire Rafa Benitez. Peter Crouch hardly gets a look in all season, the manager preferring to play the hard working but goal shy Kuyt ahead of him and deciding he’ll keep the frankly rubbish Voronin over him, yet there’s a £15m price tag slapped on his head.

Amazing. Crouch is a decent Premier League player but how can he justify asking for that kind of money when, if he really was a £15m player, he’d surely have played more games this season?

I know as part of the Sportingo network we shouldn’t expect much from Caught Offside but making paedophile jokes as part of their headlines really is too much.

I’ve now deleted the link from this site to Caught Offside.

Fucking pathetic, guys. Really, truly pathetic.

Related: How to write like Sportingo.

There’s lots to be decided on the final day of the Premier League season. Who will be Champions, United or Chelsea? It’s sort of like asking how you’d like to be killed.

‘Shot in the face, sir, or hung from a bannister?’

Arsenal will finish third, Liverpool fourth. In three years Benitez still hasn’t managed a title challenge. Take the once in a lifetime circumstances of the Champions League win out of the equation and he still has a lot to prove as the manager of Liverpool. Again he’s talking about needing three or four players in the summer but he says that every summer. It’ll be interesting to me to see how much more time he gets.

I wonder, and Liverpool fans can give me their view on this, if the boardroom antics didn’t do him a favour this year. Did he get a more vociferous backing from the fans because of the way he was treated by the owners? Would he have come in for more criticism if that hadn’t happened?

At the bottom it’s one from Birmingham, Reading, Fulham and Bolton.

The fixtures see Birmingham play Blackburn at home, Reading play Derby away, Fulham travel to FA Cup focussed Portsmouth while Bolton will be at Stamford Bridge to play Chelsea. Bolton’s goal difference could save them, they’re 11 better off than Reading who you would expect to beat Derby.

If I was a betting man I’d put my money on Birmingham and Fulham. Portsmouth have been rubbish since they got to the cup final, too many players making sure they don’t pick up an injury, but this week I think they’ll all be giving it 110% to make sure the manager notices them. So I see Fulham and Birmingham losing, Reading winning and Bolton getting beaten but unless they get a load spanked past them they’ll survive.

For those writing on the site please feel free to get together your Premier League team of the season. First XI and 5 subs, please. It’ll be interesting to see how they all differ.

It is the final day of the Championship season on Sunday and, finally, one of the most surreal years in the division’s history will be coming to an exciting conclusion. West Brom are all but promoted after taking a point against Southampton on Monday, but the question of who will be joining them for those glamorous trips to the Riverside and Ewood Park is less clear.

Stoke vs Leicester is undoubtedly the match of the day as Tony Pulis’ side look to claim the point they need for automatic promotion - anything more than that could steal away the title from WBA – while they can also send Leicester into League One. Beneath them, Hull City will be hoping to end that stat about being the largest city in Europe never to have hosted top-flight football, while Bristol City have the serenity of knowing their playoff spot is assured.

Beneath the aforementioned though, there will be plenty of itchy-bum syndrome as no less than five clubs do battle for two playoff positions. Watford currently occupy fifth, with Crystal Palace sitting in sixth, but do not let those positions fool you, the Hornets are a side in dire need of a lift having put their supporters through hell over the last five months, while Palace are rejuvenated after the shambolic reign of Peter Taylor with Neil Warnock at the helm. Wolves, Ipswich and Sheff Utd are the chasing pack – expect fireworks as they meet Plymouth, Hull and Southampton respectively.

Things are no less clear at the bottom of the table as Southampton, Leicester, Sheffield Wednesday, Coventry and Blackpool all look to avoid the drop. Four of those five are former Premier League teams and, as Nottingham Forest will no doubt testify, once you go down, there is very little to guarantee coming straight back up. It appears as if the Saints are in the most trouble though currently sitting in the bottom three with a –17 goal difference. I hate to utter phrases such as ‘I told you so’ (lie: I love it) but click here for my opinions on the appointment of Nigel Pearson as first team manager back in February.

Will Hull end their hoodoo? Will Watford choke away a playoff spot? Is it the end for Leicester City and the reign of Ian Holloway?

I’m looking forward to Jay’s post about the Championship after his excellent round-ups of League 1 and League 2.

I’ve got my beady eyes on the top of the table, I have to say. Although an Arsenal fan as long as I can remember the first ever ground I visited was Boothferry Park to watch Hull City. I remember Tony Norman playing in goal and crowds were so low you could hear him bellow at his defenders.

“**&%&% &£^** %*%& **% YOU *%8**^&& %**&%**’s”, he’d roar.

“What does **&%&% &£^** %*%& **% YOU *%8**^&& %**&%**’s mean?”, I’d innocently ask my father who was most uncomfortable at the question from his 8 year old son.

So for that reason alone I’d love to see Hull City go up this weekend. No offence to any Stoke fans but I hope they bottle it.

Come on the Tigers.

Onto League One today and it is all a bit of a mess. Swansea are already up as (potential) Champions courtesy of a fantastic season under the stewardship of Roberto Martinez, but, for the chasing trio of Doncaster, Carlisle and Nottingham Forest, nothing can be settled until the arbitration hearing over Leeds’ 15-point deduction has been wrapped up later today. The fall out if United were to be given their points back has the potential to be monstrous, with Doncaster chairman John Ryan stating it would be a ‘sad day for football’ if such a situation was to arise.

Ignoring any such possible plight for the time being though, it is Rovers who sit in the driving seat, needing a win against relegation threatened Cheltenham to secure promotion. There is sure to be plenty of drama before 4.45pm on Saturday afternoon though with Carlisle meeting Bournemouth and Gillingham facing Leeds in a cruel top vs bottom twist that only the fixture computer could chuck up a good 10 months in advance. Crewe are also in the mire and one of the aforementioned sides will join the already relegated Port Vale and Luton in League Two.

Tomorrow: The Championship.

As an Arsenal fan I was rather aggrieved at our exit from the tournament at the hands of Liverpool. The penalty that was not given, a penalty that probably wasn’t given, and on those two crappy refereeing decisions the tie turned.

So I was rather hopeful that Barcelona would give me something to cheer about for the rest of the tournament, and to put it in perspective I fucking hate Barcelona. I lived there for years and had to travel back after the 2006 Champions League final from Paris on a train full of Barcelona fans. Sickening.

So now we’re going to have an all English final and as much as the Liverpool defeat hurt me I have to go with them for the trophy.

My reasoning:

1 - Manchester United and Ronaldo winning it would make me get a bit sick in my mouth. I know this is Ferguson’s dream so I’d hate to see that come true.

2 - Chelsea would be the first London club to win it and it would mean Ashley Cole has a Champions League winners medal.

3 - Liverpool have already won the thing 5 times, what difference does one more make?

My levels of bitterness and hatred for the clubs in question are taken into account here. Perhaps it’s based on the fact that Liverpool haven’t challenged for the league in such a long time. United have been long time rivals and Chelsea is the most vulgar, tasteless football club in existence.

So for those reasons I want Liverpool to win it. If they get beaten tonight then I’m going to completely ignore the final and I will pretend for the rest of my days that it did not happen.

The Championship may bamboozle at both ends of the table and League One has plenty of exciting final day fixtures to enjoy, but life in and out of League Two was settled on Tuesday night as Chester gained the point needed to avoid relegation and end Mansfield’s 77-year stay in the football league. The Stags will be joined by a pitiful Wrexham side who have never looked like staying up since hitting rock bottom at the beginning of February, while a special mention must go to Dagenham & Redbridge who have survived a first season in League Two on nothing more than a shoe string budget, a fantastic team-spirit and a handy forward in the shape of Ben Strevens.

Up at the top, money has talked as arguably the division’s richest two sides, MK Dons and Peterborough, cantered to automatic promotion. Paul Ince is undoubtedly doing football management the right way after keeping Macclesfield up last year and guiding the Dons to promotion this year but, personally, the jury is still out on the qualities of Darren Ferguson. Hereford will be joining them in League One, while the quartet of Rochdale, Stockport, Darlington and Wycombe will do battle in the playoffs.

Tomorrow: League One.

Jesus, two of the most attacking sides in Europe produced a snorefest last night. United played like they were Bolton, everyone behind the ball, squeezing Barcelona infield knowing they had no height so crosses were ineffective anyway.

Highlight of the game was Ronaldo’s penalty miss. And was it just me or did he look really weird last night? He seems to have become significantly uglier or something. And he was up to his old diving tricks again, every time he was touched he went down, thankfully the ref didn’t buy his con job in the first half but I thought United might have had another penalty in the second when Abidal seemed to take him down.

Henry looked Barcelona’s most dangerous player and he was only on for 15 minutes. Eto’o looked like he really didn’t care, Deco similar.

Advantage United, perhaps. They’ll have to play a more open game in the home leg which might just suit Barcelona as well.

Let’s just hope it’s a better game.

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